Dvar Torah Parsha Ki Tissa 5783

Shemot 30:11 – 34:35

I came out as gay, then later trans in a time when neither was accepted in Texas. I lived in a world when bashings were common. What I came to understand though was a quiet voice that resides within, and if I listen to it, I would be okay. So, when as a gay man, I might be walking down the street, holding my partner’s hand. There would come this quiet voice and I would let go of his hand. Further down, I would see the danger I might have faced. As I transitioned, the messages saved my life more than once.

I worked in public welfare and a man pulled a knife one day and held our security guard hostage until some of us came from behind and took the knife from him. We had a representative from Houston PD come speak to us. At one point he remarked, one thing they relied on, and all of us have the potential for it, is that quiet gut feeling that something is not right. My quiet voice was what he was talking about.

Parsha Ki Tissa has a lot going on. Hashem orders a census and says each person, rich or poor must donate a half shekel to finance the service in the sanctuary. He then lays out the importance of keeping Shabbat. Hashem engraves the stones. Moshe was there for forty days, and the people had become restless. Living their lives as slaves, they were accustomed to having a statue or object to pray too. Believing Moshe would not return, they go to Aaron, demanding he make a god for them. He creates a golden calf. Moshe begs Hashem after hearing about this to save the people, then goes back down the mountain. Furious, he smashed the tablets, burnt then pulverized the calf to dust then threw the dust into the water for the people to drink. Aaron tries to pass off blame, but he failed as a leader. Moshe goes back seeking atonement. He tells Hashem “If you cannot give the people forgiveness, then blot me out from your book which you have written.” Hashem says no, but he will remember the sin of the people and there will be a reckoning.

He sends Moshe to lead the people to the promised land. The Tent of meeting is set up tent of meeting outside of the camp and as Moshe enters, a pillar of cloud descends. He commands Moshe to ascend the mountain again, and bring two more tablets of stone and Hashem will inscribe these as he did before. Here Hashem says Moshe may not see his face, rather only his back. To see Hashem’s face is to die. He repeats the Torah commandments though unlike the decalogue, He begins with kindness rather than justice. Here were also what would become our 13 attributes recited during the High Holy Days and festivals. Each time Hashem speaks to Moshe, Moshe’s face is radiant. So, after Moshe shares what Hashem has said, he puts on a veil lest people become accustomed to the radiance and forget what Hashem has done.

Out of all that was shared in this parsha, my focus was drawn to the passage about not seeing the face of Hashem. Rather we see the gifts given as they are done. The real test of faith come’s when G_d is hidden. Unlike the Pagan deities, our G_d is not visible, but nevertheless seen in countless ways. This week we celebrated Purim and the miracle that occurred with Queen Esther. Megillah Esther doesn’t contain the name of Hashem. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks of blessed memory says according to the rabbis, the name Esther is an allusion to the phrase “haster astir et panai” that is I will surely hide my face. Rabbi Sacks goes on to say this stiff-necked people who during the Biblical period who were obstinate in their disbelief, went on to be obstinate in their belief going forward. He finishes his commentary with “Forgive them because they are a stiff-necked people,” said Moses, because the time will come when that stubbornness will not be a tragic failing but a noble and defiant loyalty. Historically this has proved to be true.

So, back to my stroll down the streets of my old Houston gayborhood, and many events since then. Where do those little messages come from? Science doesn’t provide any real clues. There are no clues from hearing,smell or sight, and yet as I traveled further, it became clear what danger I or we faced. The message came from within, but not from any action I might take. Where did Esther find her courage, her wisdom in dealing with the king and Haman, sufficient to save the Jewish people. Hashem is not seen anywhere in the Megillah, but Hashem is nevertheless present. Nor is Hashem seen in my strolls down Westheimer Dr, or on the streets of Minneapolis, and yet, Their presence is there. Baruch Hashem for the daily miracles large and small.

The 12th century tosafist Bekhor Shor said regarding “You will see my back.” “Be aware that this is strictly a metaphor; even the angels, as Ezek 1:6 explains, do not have backs. The expression implies: in such a way as not be able to fully comprehend, like a man who sees his friend from behind and not face to face.” When I hear that voice and respond, I am grateful to an old friend who though I don’t see Them physically, I feel nevertheless grateful for seeing the good that They have wrought.

Shabbat Shalom!