Dvar Torah Parsha HaBeracha 5784

Devarim 33:1 – 34:12

The Sweetest Kiss

So here we are, V’zot HaBeracha, the final parsha in Torah before we start over. Where so much of the latter parshat offer what could be considered lengthy scolding, here Moshe offers blessings to each of the twelve tribes. This parsha unlike the others is not read on Shabbat, rather on Simchat Torah. It is interesting that he offers his blessings not to his two sons by Zipporah named Gershom and Eliezer, but rather to the twelve tribes he has led through the desert.

He offers his blessings in the order where the tribes will reside, from Reuben where they cross to Judah in the south moving up to Asher in the far north. There also seems to be a relationship to maternal lineage, with 3 of 4 of Leah’ first 4 sons, followed by Rachel’s two sons, then Leah’s fifth and sixth son, followed by the four sons of handmaids Zilpah and Bilhah. Interestingly, the verse for Judah suggests he may need rescuing. Some have suggested that this blessing may have originally been intended for Simeon.

After the blessings, Moshe goes up Mt. Nebo to the summit of Pisgah (combining two traditions it would seem. Moshe views the land promised to his heirs and then he dies. What follows is a period of mourning for the next 30 days for this greatest of all the prophets. What a journey he had been on, dying at 120 after leading his people for 40 years in the desert. Through him, Hashem gave us the precious gift of Torah. Like Moshe Rabbenu, our lives are finite, but guided by Torah, we can choose Life. We can choose good rather than evil. We are imperfect, but we are on a journey every day of self-improvement.

I often think of Moses’ last moments on earth, looking over the land promised to Abraham and our people. His journey was imperfect, and he could not cross because of his misdeeds. Still, he had done so much more than most, putting his people before himself. Midrash suggests during the Exodus, while everyone else was looking for gold and silver to take on the journey, Moshe searched for Joseph’s bones and carried them on his own shoulders, I read a story in dvar offered by the URJ by Jonathan Stein, describing a midrash about Moshe’s death. It suggests G_d leans down from heaven and ends Moses’ life with a soft gentle kiss. This is derived from Devarim 34:5 where it is written, “So Moses, the servant of the Eternal, died there, in the land of Moab, at the command of the Eternal.” The Hebrew used says, “pi Adonai,” “by the mouth of the Eternal.”

I find that a fitting end in a story that has no end but leads up to this very day. Our journey in Torah of course begins again with Bereishit, Genesis. May each of us have a blessed journey through Torah which begins anew.

PROLOGUE

A year ago, I set out to write a dvar for each Torah parsha from Bereishit (Genesis) through Devarim (Deuteronomy. I have done this. I now will be moving to other writing tasks, though from time to time I am called to write a dvar and I will post them here when I do. It has been an amazing journey, and I’ve learned so much. Thank you so much to all who have read my posts over this time, and I hope my perspectives have in some way enriched your journey. Either way, Baruch Hashem!

Dvar Torah Parsha Ha'azinu 5784

Devarim 32:1 – 52

Like Rain and Dew

We find ourselves at the next to last Parsha. Ha’azinu means “give ear”. It’s a poem without title but is often referred to as “Song of Moses” or “Shirat Ha’azinu.” As mentioned last year, linguistic interpretation suggests this was written earlier than the rest of Deuteronomy and was of independent composition per Torah: A Women’s Commentary. It was likely added towards the end to drive home the points made earlier in Devarim. It may have originally been written to give hope following some tragic event.

In our Song of Moses, we find diverse metaphors to describe G_d. Andrea Weiss in Torah, A Women’s Commentary mentions G_d described as rock, eagle, father, warrior, and even a mother who gave birth and nursed Her child Israel.

The song itself is to speak to our wrongdoing, of how we turn from the good offered by Hashem and forget when we have become gloated by our prosperity and turn to other gods. Hashem hides himself from the Israelites but does not destroy them lest others misunderstand and assume their gods were more powerful. Rather Hashem will protect his people and they will atone. Then Hashem sends Moses to the Mountain of Transitions, Mt. Nebo where Moses may view the land before he dies.

Inspired in good part by a dvar offered by Rabbi Aviva Richman at Hadar, I want to focus on these verses:

Deuteronomy 32:2
May my discourse come down as rain,
My speech distill as the dew,
Like showers on young growth,
Like droplets on the grass.

Rabbi Richman offers that rabbinical teaching offers there is nothing automatic about Torah’s goodness. Torah’s impact depends on the work we do as we study, share, and interpret it. A midrash (Sifrei Devarim 306) begins speaking how Torah is synonymous with goodness, but it becomes clear that Torah can be damaging, at least not good for everyone all the time.

For instance, rain is not always a welcome thing. An inopportune rainfall for example can ruin stored wine or grain, especially in Biblical times. It would be easy to assume then Torah could be harmful for some. But the next verse offers the metaphor of dew. Dew is pretty much universally seen as a good thing. So Rabbi Richman offers that Torah is not functioning as Torah unless all are touched by Torah for the better. In short, if we are approaching Torah for a noble purpose, it will bring life. If not, it can be dangerous.

So, I ask myself, what does all this mean to me today. As a trans woman in a lesbian relationship, all I need to do is follow current events. All around me are people who extract individual quotes from Torah and their Christian Bibles to preach hate, division, and destruction. These are people who search Torah to find examples to justify their hate.

So why do bad things happen. G_d requites good with good, evil with evil. Many equate religion in our time as evil. I would offer that religion is not to blame, but those who use religion for evil purposes. Recently I saw an evangelical preacher telling his congregation that lgbtqia+ people should be taken out and shot in the back of the head. Hardly the message of their Jesus who like Jews preached to love the stranger and their neighbor as their self. But some within Judaism also bear the guilt as well. Some seek to divide us, and the corruption we are seeing play out in Eretz Israel by its leaders is notable. Some elements of the government there are trying to enforce their more orthodox views upon others and lgbtqia+ citizens are quite concerned.

My point is, there are ample examples where the very words we are called to wrestle with, debate, and reconcile with in our calling to heal the world, instead are being used to promulgate hate and division, people choosing the curse rather than the blessing. Within all the world’s religions, we find those who have chosen good, those who chose evil, and all of us wrestling with those inner impulses. May we choose good. May we choose love. May we choose life!!! Baruch Hashem!!!

Dvar Torah Parsha Nitzavim - Vayeilech 5783-2

Devarim 29:9 – 31:30

Two Questions: What about Converts? Moshe and Disappointment?

In our dual parsha reading, Moses speaks again to the people, reminding them of the covenant they were entering into with Hashem. Not just the men, everyone, those who are there and those who were not. He warns them against straying from that covenant and warns them that there is a blessing and a curse. If they are true to the covenant, all will be well, but if not, they will be dispersed from the land and Hashem will not be with them. But if they return to Hashem, then Hashem will seek out the exiles and gather them together. Hashem will circumcise their hearts and the hearts of their descendants. Choose life!

Vayeilech begins with Moshe telling the people that he is 120 years old that day and he will die. It is not his to cross over into the land. He assures them that Hashem is with them. He calls Joshua forward and assures him as well. The Teaching is then written down. He commanded them to read the Teaching at the end of seven years on Shavuot.

Then later they meet at the Tent of Meeting. Hashem tells him he will lie down beside his fathers, and the people will rise and stray His anger will be stirred, and they will fall prey to destruction and many evils. He then has him write down a song to be taught to the people. He then gives Joshua assurance going forward. This song will be the next parsha, Ha’azinu.

Often in writing a Dvar, I find one topic and singularly focus on it. However, in this dual parsha Dvar, I find my focus on more than a single concept. For instance, Nitzavim begins with Adonai speaking through Moshe of the covenant they have with Hashem. Here is what is said:

“You stand this day, all of you, before your G_d Adonai--- you tribal heads, you elders, and you officials, all the men of Israel, you children, you women, even the stranger within your camp, from woodchopper to water drawer --- to enter into the covenant of our G_d Adonai, which your G_d Adonai is concluding with you this day with it’s sanctions; in order to establish you this day as G_d’s people…”. It goes on, “I make this covenant, with its sanctions, not with you alone, but both with those who are standing here with us this day before our G_d Adonai, and those who are not with us here this day.”

That is, the covenant is not only for those who are there that day, but future generations as well. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks of blessed memory offers that according to the Talmud, we are all foresworn from Sinai (Yoma 73b, Nedarim 8a). He goes on to say that converts excepted, we do not choose to be Jews, rather it was our ancestors who passed us this obligation. It remains with us by our behavior to choose what is later referred to as the blessing and the curse, where Adonai calls us to “Choose life.”

I would like however in all of this to toss in another caveat with all due respect to Rabbi Sacks. As a Jew by choice, Kabbalah teaches that I was born with a Jewish soul, and I have returned to my people. I certainly can vouch for the fact that when I began Judaic studies, it felt like I had finally come home. So, I have the very same choice, the blessing, or the curse, and I most definitely choose the blessing. I choose life.

This leads me to Vayeilech. Here Moshe informs the people that on this day, he will die. What must have been going through his head that day. These were people he led out of Egypt 40 years later, all with the dream of the Promised Land at the fore of their dreams. But he has had to relinquish that dream for himself, even as he must prepare the people for what is to come. As I read his words telling his people what is to come, cautioning them again of the perils of straying from the covenant and then meeting with the leaders afterwards and learning indeed the people will indeed stray, but even then, there is hope of they do teshuvah as a people and return to Adonai. I can feel the tears he was folding back, the enormous weight of the disappointment wresting on his shoulders even as he was putting duty before self.

I am not 120 years old, but I am growing old. Growing old can be incredibly lonely sometimes, and sometimes I review the disappointments I have accrued over a lifetime. We all have them, I suspect. But we realize this life is short, and it is far more productive to balance those disappointments with the blessings we accrue in a lifetime. I wish I could have known at 18 how fast it all would pass, knowledge at 76 which is obvious. At 18, I heard the elders caution about just this, but I did not listen. But today, I choose life. Baruch Hashem.

Dvar Torah Parsha Ki Tavo 5783

Devarim 26:1 – 29:8

Tokhecha, Does Chastisement Work?

Our Parsha is Ki Tavo, or “When you enter”, a continuation of Moshe’s speech to the people before entering Canaan. He calls on the people to take their first fruits and deliver to the city that will be named where G_d’s name will reside. It’s important to note that in Devarim (Deuteronomy) Hashem does not dwell in any place on earth, but rather G_d’s name does. It goes on to call upon all to carry out the laws and social ordinances with full heart and soul. We are a holy people of G_d.

Upon entering the promised land, they are to make an altar of stones with the words of the teaching (Devarim). The priests then recite curses to offenders committing a variety of sins at which the people said Amen. Then a short portion on the blessings that will come, but then a longer portion on the curses the people will experience, many of which we have indeed endured over the centuries.

Honestly as I poured over these words, I could not help but reflect on my own childhood. I grew up in the late 1940’s and 1950’s, a very different time from today. It was the era of the “critical parent”, not of positive reinforcement but of a serious butt-whipping if you got it wrong. Endless lectures enforced with the business end of a belt if you crossed that line. I carried resentments for years before I could make peace with that childhood and with my parents. Albeit well after my father’s passing in ’67.

The tokhecha (reprimand or rebuke) passages appear twice in the Torah, first in parsha Bechukotai in Vayikra (Leviticus) and here. This sort of language was not uncommon in ancient and medieval times where fate in history was related to the power of gods. In our case, the belief that our disobedience caused our fate. Indeed, over the centuries following our expulsion from Israel, we simply assumed it was our fate following the pogroms, mass killings by Crusaders, for century after century. It’s important to note however that neither did we stop being Jews, living in foreign lands, mostly without the benefit of citizenship, where we would reside until this or that ruler would kick us out. Even after Napoleon, we would still live in many areas with only conditional status. We rather believed only supernatural action would allow us to return to Israel.

Rabbi Yitz Greenberg of Hadar suggests it was after the Shoah that we came to see that Jewish history was no longer under the sign of tokhecha. Rabbi Greenberg offers that in 1945 when Hungarian Jewry reached 10,000 killed every day, where Jewish children were dumped alive directly into the burning pits of Auschwitz, well in no way could that be considered in any form or fashion, a punishment for sin from a loving G_d. He offers that in the years following the destruction of the Temple, according to the Rabbis, renewed the covenant, inviting the people to take more responsibility. He offers that today we are in the third stage of the covenant, in which Hashem is totally hidden but totally present in Jewish and human fate. Oh, we still read the tokhecha passages, quickly and in a low voice.

I would offer this for consideration. In Torah, we read language of slaughtering every man, woman, and child. We read about slavery, and just today, I read in Talmud whether if a master should castrate his slave, were they entitled to freedom by manumission. Well, it depends. If they removed the testicles, no. But if they cut off the penis, well, yes. I know the Rabbis went off on some legal tangents, but really?

My point here is this. Our ancestors lived in very brutal times. Also, we know that passages calling for the destruction of every man, woman, and child did not actually happen, rather were flourishes of rhetoric to drive home certain points. But with each generation we have moved to become a people with laws regarding war crimes, a people where slavery was not needed etc. Even from the generation when I was growing up in a small town in East Texas, the concept of spoil the rod and spare the child has moved to a generation where more parents spend more time, energy towards their children, demonstrating moral behavior by imitation of the parents as opposed to reprimand and punish. I am of the opinion that leading by example is superior to punishment and derision. My parents have both passed away now. But I love them both. They were products of their time and those were the rules of their time. My prayer is this. That we as a people, we as Jews, continue to grow and progress. Baruch Hashem!

Dvar Torah Parsha Ki Teitzei 5783

Devarim 21:10 – 25:19

If Their Ass Falls, Together Lift It

Ki Teitzei translated “when you go out” contains a wide range of criminal, civil, and family laws. Unlike the last parsha that focused on the judges and those who administer the laws, this parsha is all about laws applicable to ordinary folks. These laws can range from rules if you marry a prisoner of war, giving her time first to mourn her parents to disloyal children (this one says they must be stoned). What to do if an ox or sheep goes astray, laws against cross dressing and you know I took this one on last year in this parsha.

Then there are rules not to move a fledgling or egg if the mother is present. I confess that as a child gathering eggs for my grandma, I violated this rule more than once. It talks about building a parapet around your roof less someone fall, and you incur bloodguilt. Then there are rules regarding marriage, premarital sex, rules around virginity. Adonai forbid if you marry an Ammonite or Moabite (later interpreted to be males since it was Ruth the Moabite who married into the tribe of Israel, and she was an ancestor to King David. There are rules to keep a military camp pure, such as leaving camp to defecate, protecting slaves who run from their foreign master and how we must not mistreat them. So many other rules as well, laws designed to govern day to day life in early Israel. Culminating with the reminder to always remember Amalek.

This dvar besides a blog entry is written for delivery in my Caring Committee. It has proven a bit of a challenge to share a message pertinent for this purpose. Always though up for a challenge, I decided to focus on this passage. Devarim 22:4 says “Do not see your kinsman’s donkey or his ox fallen on the road and ignore it. Help him lift it up.” Oxen or donkeys once were used to carry heavy loads, and occasionally one would slip and fall, unable to get back up because of the heavy weight they were carrying. In such case the animal would need to be unloaded, lifting it up and then reloading it. Of course, we no longer in our modern time need to deal with collapsed donkeys or oxen. But there is an underlying principle here. We are called to look out for each other.

In 2018, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks in his dvar shared a lovely story about this. He and his wife were being driven to the Catskills when their driver shared a story. One Friday afternoon, the driver was making his way to join his family in the Catskills. He saw a man wearing a kippah, bending over his car along the road. One of his tires was flat and he was about to replace his flat tire. The driver pulled over and helped him replace the tire and wished him “Good Shabbos.” The man thanked him, taking his kippah off and put it in his pocket. The driver apparently had a quizzical look, so the man explained, “Oh I’m not Jewish. It’s just that I know if I’m wearing one of these” gesturing towards the yarmulke, - “someone Jewish will stop and help me.”

The sages debated the reason for this command about fallen oxen or donkey. Some held it was for the welfare of the animal. Rambam felt that it was for the safety of the animal’s owner as the roads could be risky at the time. But more recent queries lead to what can be called an accumulation of what is referred to as social capital. The more we look out for each other, the more we find ourselves surrounded by people with our interests at heart, it translates to a necessary component of a good society. Per Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, it is a “wealth that has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the level of trust within a society.”

I reflect on my own experiences in this lifetime. It was August 10, 1997, when my partner Skip died as I held him in my arms. Only two weeks later, a dear friend collapsed and died in my arms. My community surrounded me and held me up when I could not do so myself. Or when just over a year ago, folks from Shir Tikvah sent cards after I was hospitalized. We lift each other up when one faces hardship or loss. That is what we do. Giving rides, sitting shiva, providing meals, visitations, all the things that move our relationships from loneliness to community. In these acts of chesed, loving kindness, we are all enriched. Together, we can make our world a better place.

Baruch Hashem!

Dvar Torah Parsha Shoftim 5783

Devarim 16:18 – 21:9

An Environmental Cry for Help

Our parsha Shoftim continues Moshe’s speech to the people, delineating legal teachings for the future land in Israel. The laws tend to be practical. Justice is the operative principle and everyone including the king come under its rules. The laws include removing the gods and worship places of the people they are conquering. The people, not Adonai, will appoint judges and judicial administrators for each tribe. Rules. Including the requirement of two or more witnesses, what to do if a decision is too difficult to decide. There are sacrificial requirements, what and who any king should be. Refuge cities and how that works, treatment of conquered peoples, much of which is discussed in the last Dvar on this parsha discussed in an earlier blog post.

One passage in this parsha struck home to me that seems pertinent to the times in which we live.

“When you lay siege to a town and wage war against it for a long time to capture it, do not destroy its trees; do not wield an axe against them. You may eat from them; you must not cut them down. Are trees of the field human beings, that you should besiege them too? Only trees that you know do not produce food may you cut down for use building siege works until the town that has made war against you falls.” (Deut. 20:19-20)

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks of blessed memory observes some commands in Torah are understood so narrowly that they are in fact inapplicable. Such would be the command to put all inhabitants to the sword. Such laws were interpreted the law to be so restrictive that it was never carried out per Sanhedrin 71A. Other laws however are far more extensive than they first appear. Here the command against destroying fruit trees known as the rule of bal taschit or “do not destroy.” Maimonides said that “not only did it apply to trees, but whoever breaks vessels or tears garments, destroys a building, blocks a wellspring of water, or destructively wastes food transgresses the command of bal taschit.” Hilchot Melachim 6:10.

When we take a wider view, Jewish tradition is filled with traditions that can fall under the auspices of what we call environmentalism or sustainability. For instance, we have the three commands for periodic rest, for us and farm animals as well. We have Shabbat, the Sabbatical year, and the Jubilee year. Land over-exploited erodes and loses its fertility. We do not take a young bird from its mother.

Samson Raphael Hirsch in the 19t century said the statutes regarding environmental protection suggest that the same regard we show humanity must be shown to every lower creature, to the earth which sustains us all, and to the world of plants and animals. He goes on to give an interesting interpretation of Genesis 1:26 which says, “Let Us make man in Our image after Our likeness.” The “Us” he says refers to the rest of creation. Implied is the condition that humans must use nature in such a way as to enhance it, not put it at risk. This is followed by Genesis 2:15 saying man was set in the garden of Eden to work and safeguard it. Man is both master and servant to nature.

This summer has been horrible with record breaking temperatures around the globe. We know our excessive pumping of CO2 into the atmosphere has compromised our planet and yet we keep on. Ocean temperatures are at record heights. The hotter waters mean they can hold less CO2, releasing more into the air. Our polar ice caps are melting, and coastal cities are in jeopardy. Scientists tell us we are amidst a mass extinction on planet earth.

Parsha Shoftim is customarily read during the month of Elul, a time of soul searching, making amends, and working to improve ourselves and the world around us. The cautionary signs of living cooperatively on this planet go back thousands of years. Will we listen to what our planet is telling us? Now more than ever, we need as people around the world to avert a disaster that could spell the end of humanity. Crops that will not grow because of the heat and periodic droughts. Cities requiring evacuation because of rising sea levels. Hurricanes like we have never seen before. The last couple of years, tornadoes in the winter should be a wakeup call for us all. Or will greed reign to the harm of us all. It is time for introspection and action, for us, and for all the life upon this planet May it be so. Baruch Hashem!

Dvar Torah Parsha Re'eh 5783

Devarim 11:26 – 16:17

Grieving Well

Parsha Re’eh introduces a legal collection, laws tied to the covenantal relationship between Hashem and Israel. This is one of three such collections, and this one offers a unifying vision of Israel, absolute loyalty to Adonai and to Adonai’s Chosen Place, the sole official shrine. The legal material in Devarim is framed by two sets of blessings and curses. Our parsha has the first set. Blessing if you obey, curse if you do not. When Hashem brings the people into the new land, they shall pronounce the blessing at Mount Gerizim and the curse at Mount Ebal. Both are on the other side of the Jordan, sites of the covenant affirmation ritual.

Chapter 12 begins with laws and rules to follow. They must destroy all the sites where the Canaanites worshiped. Tear down alters, put sacred posts to fire, destroy any images of their gods, obliterating their name from that site. The Israelites must not worship Hashem in like matter, but only at a site Hashem chooses as Hashem’s habitation. We know later that will be Jerusalem. Many modern scholars have concluded this regulation also targeted village sanctuaries where Israel’s own G_d was worshipped. Those sites had been in place long before Devarim was written. At this one location, they will bring sons, daughters, slaves with offerings to be shared with a Levite family to feast before Adonai. They can eat meat, but do not ingest the blood. For blood is life and you cannot eat the life with the flesh.

Chapter 13 cautions that if a prophet or diviner says to follow another god, even if a sign or portent comes true, do not heed their words. Show them no pity or compassion or cover up the matter. They must be stoned by the people. If a town does this, investigate thoroughly. If true put them and their cattle to death. Burn the town and its spoil.

Chapter 14: You are the children of Adonai. Don’t gash yourselves or shave the fronts of your heads because of the dead. Don’t eat anything abhorrent. What follows are the dietary laws. Eat animals that have cleft hoofs and bring up their cud. Any fish with fins and scales may be eaten. Any birds other than the ones named can be eaten. All winged creatures that swarm are impure. Eat nothing that died a natural death. Do not boil a kid in its mother’s milk. Set aside a tenth of crops, grains, wine, and oil. Also, the first born of herds and flocks. These will be consumed in the place chosen by Hashem. If the distance is too great, you may sell them and purchase goods to consume in the presence of Adonai. Do not neglect the Levites who do not own land of their own.

Chapter 15 reminds them that every seventh year to practice remission of debt. Be sure to care for needy kin with a generosity of spirit. If another Hebrew is sold to you, free them during the seventh year and do not let them leave you empty-handed. Remember we were once slaves in Egypt. If, however they do not wish to leave, put an awl through the ear into the door, and they will be yours in perpetuity. Consecrate to Hashem all firstlings in herd or flock. One must not work the firstling ox or shear the firstling sheep. Rather it will be eaten each year in the place to be chosen by Hashem. If however it has a defect, lameness, or blindness, do not sacrifice it to Adonai. Eat it in your settlement but do not partake of its blood. Pour the blood onto the ground.

Chapter 16 reminds the people to celebrate the month of Abib (Nisan) and offer the Passover sacrifice to Adonai. Other places the celebration happens at home, but in Devarim, at the Temple. Be sure to eat unleavened bread. None of the flesh slaughter on the first day shall remain for the second. This encourages communal eating. Do not work on the seventh day. The Feast of Weeks (Shavuot) is seven weeks from the beginning of the spring harvest. It also requires a pilgrimage, and well as the Feast of Booths (Sukkot.)

I feel the need for this dvar to discuss the commandment that begins Chapter 14. “You are children of the Lord your G_d. You shall not gash yourselves or shave the front of your heads because of the dead. For you are a people consecrated to the Lord your G_d; the Lord your G_d chose you from among all the other peoples on earth to be Their treasured people.” Rashbam says gashing yourselves is like the prophets of Baal who gashed themselves with knives and spears. Ibn Ezra says we are children of the Lord, and the Lord loves us more than our own parents.

I am a 76-year-old trans woman who began life as a gay guy. What that means is that I’m no stranger to death and dying. As Jews we have known great loss over the centuries, including centuries of pogroms leading up to but not ending with the Shoah. In my own life, family members, so very many lost to AIDS, and more with the advent of Covid. Indeed, as a member of my community’s Caring Committee, for a time it seemed like the Shivas would never end. We are in the month of August, and this month I remember the loss of my Father, Mother, and my Partner/Husband on the anniversary of their passing. Other peoples around the world call for a host of rituals including things like slashing, lacerating, self-flagellation.

But for us, the Torah sees this as incompatible with kedushah, holiness. Why is this so? Rambam suggests that it is our belief in immortality of the soul. Sforno and Chizkuni suggest we are “children of G_d” and therefore never fully orphaned, hence the limit to grief.

So it is that our Jewish faith helps create the balance between too little and too much grief. We have aninut (the time between death and burial), shiva (a week of mourning) sh’loshim (thirty days in the case of other relatives), and shanah (a year in the case of parents.) I find our Jewish way of mourning useful, and love how we remember not the death, but the lives of our loved ones each Yahrzeit. I confess, after losing my partner/husband, I thought the world would come to an end. But now I relish each year, recalling our lives together, remembering small things like the little love notes in Latin and German, how despite disabling rheumatoid arthritis, he would come to the parking garage to welcome me home each day. I’m smiling as I type this.

As I sometimes do, I’d end with a quote from Rabbi Jonathan Sacks of blessed memory: “Torah and tradition knew how to honor both the dead and the living, sustaining the delicate balance between grief and consolation, the loss of life that gives us pain, and the re-affirmation of life that gives us hope.” Shabbat Shalom.